We all want our children to grow into independent people. To think critically, develop their own opinions and dare to stand up for themselves. But what happens when those opinions do not align with what we as adults have in mind?

As a mother of three children, I see how relationships change as children grow older. They develop their own ideas, preferences and convictions, and that is exactly the point. After all, parenting is not about raising a smaller version of yourself, is it? But that does not mean that everyone’s interests naturally align. Sometimes a wish is difficult to arrange in practical terms, sometimes, as a parent, you sincerely believe a different choice would be better, and sometimes you have to acknowledge that your own expectations also play a role.

But where there is friction is where things become interesting…

The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child gives children the right to express their views on matters that concern them. Due weight must be given to those views, depending on their age and development. This is more than a friendly recommendation to listen to children now and then. It means that their perspective must genuinely be taken into account when adults make decisions that affect their lives.

In our work as mediators, we see how complicated this can be. For example, when divorced parents cannot agree on a choice of school or the arrangements for the children's care. One parent considers stability and familiarity important, while the other sees opportunities in change and new experiences. Both may sincerely want what is best for their child, but that does not automatically mean that their ideas are the same as their child’s interests.

And then there is the child. Perhaps they are mainly attached to the friendships they have built, or perhaps they long for more challenge. Or perhaps they have no strong preference at all, but simply want their parents to stop arguing.

The latter touches on an important distinction. Children have the right to a voice, but they should not have to bear responsibility for decisions that adults cannot resolve together. Especially in a divorce, it takes care to involve children without making them feel that they have to choose sides. And there are always more interests at stake than just those of the child. Our work schedules, travel times, financial means, beliefs and emotions all help determine what is feasible. This applies to divorced parents, but equally to parents who live together. The challenge is to acknowledge those different interests without losing the child’s voice in the process.

The main question is whether we are aware of this. Whether we are willing to distinguish between what a child needs, what we as parents consider important and what is practically possible. And whether we can continue talking about it, even when there is no simple answer or when we are no longer together.

Perhaps that is the everyday meaning of children’s rights. Not in the expectation that adults always make the right choice, but in the willingness to keep seriously considering children’s perspectives.

Because the child’s best interests are not an argument with which to end a discussion. They are a question you must keep daring to ask yourself.